The Art Critic

Two hours in the hairdressers and he still managed to make me look like a frump! What a waste of money. Look at it! I look like my mother.

These windows are filthy. I don’t know what that woman does who helps behind the counter. He should make her use some elbow grease on them and do some work for a change. What a load of junk Mr Singh keeps in his front window. Honestly, I can hardly see my reflection. I wonder if he realizes that he runs the local chemists, not a health and beauty shop. I can’t imagine any of the local oldies buying any of this stuff.

What do I look like from the back? Humm not too bad I think. Nice. Just right for today’s lunch. Rebecca will be wearing something wild and colourful no doubt but this black is so much more sophisticated. And wait until she sees this bag. Real leather. Not too big, not too small. Just perfect. If it wasn’t for my hair I would look quite modern. Maybe if I just wet it a bit. There. That’s better. I’m definitely going to someone new next time.

Look at those boys hanging around in front of the café. Come on you lot, move. I don’t know what their parents taught them. When I was young we would stand aside for our elders. I’m just going to ignore that comment. There is no way that I’m stooping to their level.

Oh look at that mark on my car. Bloody pigeons! Maybe I can rub it off with my hankie. Shame I have to use one of my special ones. After spending ages cleaning it as well. I wanted it to look so nice for Peter’s showing. Who knows who will be there? All those arty types of course but maybe someone famous. He said he has some quite celebrity collectors.

Now let’s see. I have an hour to get to Rebecca and Peter’s house. Perfect. A few minutes extra, just in case. I’ll put the flowers in the boot to keep them cool. They don’t really look like supermarket flowers. So much cheaper and just as nice. Without the labels they’ll never know.

What is that car doing? Doesn’t he see me? He must have known that I was coming out of this space. Just because I’m a woman he probably thinks he has the right to push in. Okay, okay, I hear you. No need for all of that. Honestly, some people!

I hope Rebecca remembers my stomach. There wasn’t a single thing I could eat on that last buffet. Not one item I recognised. It’s all this travel everyone does. No one does nice cucumber sandwiches any more. It’s all thai chicken bits and spanish tapas. Why can’t someone just do cheese and pineapple sticks like we used to have?

You may not like it but I am not going to go any faster. Yeah, sit on my tail. There is no way I’m getting another speeding ticket. Honestly, you’d think they have better things to do, like catching the real criminals instead of middle aged women who go five miles too fast.

Beautiful day for it. Shame it isn’t outside. I’ve never heard of anything so stupid. Having people into your home to see your paintings. I mean, do they even know these people? What if they are just looking the house over to see what valuables they have? They are too trusting those two. One day it will backfire on them. Especially now he is becoming famous. Mary said she saw one of his paintings in that expensive gallery and you could have bought a new settee for the price tag on it.

Not really my cup of tea, I must admit. It’s nice that they asked me but I hope they don’t think I have that kind of money. No way am I buying one. My prints are good enough for me. They may not be originals but at least I don’t have to worry about robbers and all that. Mary said her insurance went up by £50 when she got that horrid picture from her Auntie May. She doesn’t even like the thing.

You’d have thought Rebecca could have said more than “come in”. She didn’t even thank me for the flowers. What am I supposed to do, go up and join people I don’t know? I’ll just sit here on this chair where I can see the painting. It’s so nice to be able to study them without anyone else saying their piece. I can really absorb their meaning. Remember, study them like my tutor taught me. Look at the whole before you look at the detail. Well, I know that is what she said but personally I prefer to do it the other way around. I mean, that painting above the fireplace is huge. How can you look at it as a whole if you haven’t thought about all of the individual bits which make it up? Rebecca told me that Peter did it for her birthday. A portrait she said. Doesn’t even look like a person to me. I mean if that was pink and not blue I would swear it was the shape of a leg. I really can’t see any one thing I recognise. Maybe I do need to stand back from it. Look at the whole. I’ll just go over near that man. I think he’s the agent.

Still can’t see what makes it a portrait. Looks like two lumps of wobbly bits making up a mountain with a bit of fluffy cloud on top. Yes that’s it. I can see a cave just under the cloud. Must have got it wrong. Maybe I misheard when she said it was a portrait. That’s a landscape. I can see it now.

Well, I have never been so embarrassed in all of my life. Putting that muck up on the wall where everyone can see. I don’t know how she could. Spreading her legs like that. Up there for everyone to see. There is no way that I would call that art!

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